Can I start off by acknowledging that no one is perfect and anyone who claims to totally have their shit together is either a cold heartless person or straight bullshitting? Good. Glad we're on the same page. We all fall short of our goals sometimes. Sometimes it's a personal goal that we never shared with anyone just in case we couldn't reach it, and sometimes it's a little more public. And we'd like to think that in those moments we can totally turn to our families and friends for support, but sometimes their the source of your insecurities. Today I want to share, in no particular order, about five times I felt incompetent, which is going to involve me "putting a few people on blast".
1. When I miss a deadline for a blog post
Here's a blogging secret. I have a least 10 drafts that have never seen the light of day. These drafts are recipes, and DIYs that I've seen on the internet that I couldn't wait to try. There's only one problem, I never made the time to try them. Somehow I got swept up with life and went from project to project without actually doing the project. I can't tell you how many times I've scheduled a post as a way to hold myself accountable to finishing that project and the day comes when it's automatically published and I have go to all of my social media sites and retract the post. Sometimes I've started a post with the promise of finishing it ,never got around to it, and two paragraphs of an unfinished post gets out. It's embarrassing. It makes me feel incompetent because I worry if someone saw it and went, hey something's missing?
2. When a DIY/Recipe fails/falls apart
Awhile ago, I had the idea to share follow up blog posts with updates on how DIYs were holding up. While some of my DIYs are still standing, I can't tell you how many have fallen apart and needed repair or have simply been tossed. Then there are the recipes that are just so god-awful I can't share them with anyone and it's best to pretend it never happened. It's weird, I like to pretend I'm this awesome sous-chef but I only just learned how to properly make French Toast last year, and I can still only cook chicken if I chop it into strips. I've simply adjusted recipes to play to my strengths so that I always look like I know what I'm doing, but truthfully, I'm crushed when my rice is under-cooked and I'm constantly losing tools like baking pans and dishware.
3. My niece
I'm totally ashamed to admit that the hanging rainbow I made for my niece was not a total success. This is where it gets a little personal. It wasn't so much that the project itself didn't turn out well, it was absolutely gorgeous. The problem is my family didn't like it. When I showed it to my niece's mother I could see the hesitation in her face to smile and honestly all sorts of PTSD from my childhood came up with me trying to engage my family in play time and being rejected. I immediately went back to that childlike stage of, "Look mommy, look what I made" only for the mother to be like, "That's nice" without even actually looking at it. She left without taking it. I grabbed it and tried to run to catch her thinking it was just an honest mistake, when my mum and brother told me no one wants that "garbage". It was one of the most hurtful moments of my life to be honest. I've always struggled with getting my family to understand my craft. My brother hates me for me take photos of her (which is why you never see her on my blog) and insists on paying a studio to take photos of her. I can't put into words how much not being able to bond with my niece in my own way hurts me.
4. When I fail to clean my room
Yes, I'm an adult and I don't clean my room. It literally takes me months to shake off the anxiety and say, enough and enough. This past weekend, I finally started the process but I took so many breaks. At times I looked at a clean space and just needed to take ten minutes to admire that clean space because I had forgotten what a clean floor looked like. I'm sure some of you out there can agree, it's hard adulting and there are some areas of adulthood that are harder than others. For me, it's keeping a clean room.
5. My family doesn't read or support my blog
I alluded to this with point 3. A lot of my family members couldn't tell you what my blog is about or what I talk about on it. That sucks. Here I am trying to convince a global audience that I have something worth reading and discussing, and my own family can't be bothered with it. Sure my mum is my biggest fan and she tells everyone she talks to that I have a blog (I'm not kidding, at the doctor's office, while I was waiting on my prescription and sick slip she was telling the nurse, "You know she has a blog and she got nominated for blog of the year") but my dad doesn't read it, (I've already explained my brother) and I really don't know the rest of their excuses. You should always feel the support of your family and friends with everything you do, but I just don't. It's the reason I left my family's WhatsApp group. They shared memes and gross videos and laughed about that, but any time I shared a blog post, EVERYONE ignored it. Nothing I had to say was recognised or appreciated. It was hurtful.
I hope this post showed my human side. We all make mistakes and we all fall short. Whether it's that relationship that ended after 2 years or only 2 dates (yes I have lost a guy after only 2 dates - Fuck you Dwayne) there is always going to be something in life that makes you feel incompetent. The key is acknowledging these feelings and learning from the experiences.