Being apart from your sweetheart can be lonely and frustrating. Whether it's for a few days, a week, a month, or a long distance relationship - any time is too long! I know how it feels to be separated from your spouse and I want to help all of our long distance couples stay strong, happy, and healthy. If you’re considering entering a long distance relationship, or find yourself in one, here are 5 tips for getting through the first year.Read More
I'm not ashamed to admit that after a little over two years I made the decision to end my relationship. It wasn't so much the distance as the differences I could no longer overlook. After a very heated argument that we've had more times than I can count, it's like a light switch went off in my head. I just couldn't do it anymore. It had nothing to do with whether or not I loved him. I loved him dearly, but it just wasn't working. We weren't working. And we weren't going to work either. In that moment, I knew for sure that had we gotten married, I would've divorced him. So I did what I had to do.
I was fine with my choice. I know I made the right decision. All I had to do was move on. So I did. And I'm proud to say that next month, I'll be making my final presentation for my master's degree. I can't believe this moment has finally come! It took a lot of sacrifice but I did it!
While this is a personal blog, I am very cautious of what I write and share. But whenever I experience something I feel is worth sharing, I want to share that wisdom with others. I've compiled them into mini chapters, so to speak, all based on my personal experience with dating. So this is what 2 years of a long distance relationship coming to an end, culminated with 3 months of dating availability has taught me about dating and myself:
1. Picky is not necessarily a bad thing.
Any time a guy asks me what I look for in a partner, I always lead with, “I’m picky.” I’m not ashamed of this. My pickiness is not unrealistic; and by leading with what I want it lets the “unqualified” know not to bother. Why waste time with someone who only wants to waste your time? Letting someone know you have standards that are non-negotiable creates an opportunity for respect and allows you to weed out the undesirables. Only weak people are intimidated by standards.
2. Forgiveness is important
OMG! Who am I for even saying this? I am the master of holding grudges! I recently started dating someone who acted unforgivably. We stopped talking and it actually hurt me. But last week he reached out to me to apologise. I’ll be honest, I was ready to forgive him so I felt relief after we talked it out and now we’re friends again. That’s because I had to accept the advice two of my best friends gave me:
3. Nobody is perfect; including yourself
People are going to mess up; it’s a part of life. There are no perfect boyfriends, just real ones. It’s still up to you to decide how much imperfection you’re willing to deal with, but remember that you yourself are also a work in progress and there are going to be things your partner doesn’t like about you.
4. Always date your best friend
But none of that would matter if you date your best friend. That was my biggest regret in my last relationship. We got into a relationship after only two weeks of knowing each other. Take the time to really get to know the person you’re about to spend the rest of your life (or the next three months) with. Loving your best friend is much easier than loving someone you’re still getting to know. You won’t know everything about your partner, but it’s much more fun when this person has unconditional respect for you before romantic relationships become a topic.
5. Listen to the warning signs
I can’t stress this enough. There were so many red flags in my last relationship; as early as one month in. even when I met him, I didn’t feel the butterflies I thought I would but chose to ignore that. There will be warning signs in any kind of relationship, some are minor but you know when it’s a biggie. Listen to your heart. If something feels off, it probably is. Address these issues head on so that everyone is clear moving forward.
6. Pick your battles
Not everything is worth fighting for. Sometimes you just know that something will end in an argument or worse a fight. The warning signs are there and in that moment you have a choice. Fully commit to this sinking ship or walk away? If you’ve already made it clear where you stand on something minor, no need to keep nagging your partner if they don’t get it right. For example: your partner getting stuck in traffic and being late to a date, vs. your partner always ignoring your requests to do something that makes you happy.
7. Be intentional
Someone can’t give you what you want if you’re not clear about what you want. Be upfront, honest and intentional. Go for what you want and don’t be apologetic. As long as you’re true to yourself, no matter the outcome, rest in knowing you made your needs and wants clear with no crazy mixed signals.
8. Games are for kids
This ties in with the above note. No one likes the guy at the bar who takes your number then takes a week to call. And worse, he doesn’t call back for another 3 weeks and the only reason he did call was because you initiated a drop call to get his attention. While I already counted three strikes against him from the initial meeting (my friends though I was too harsh) it turns out I was right about him so it didn’t hurt me. No one has time for games so I simply didn’t make time for him.
9. The ring didn't mean a thing
Last year when I went to St. Croix to meet his mother, I told him bluntly that I could spend over $600 on airfare to meet his mother and still leave him if I continued to be unhappy. When we did eventually break up, he threw in my face that I was throwing away two years of blah blah blah. While this may have been my longest relationship ever, no matter how long you’ve been with your partner, dissatisfaction in one area will lead to dissatisfaction in other areas of your life. You don’t have to stay if your needs aren’t being met intentionally. There’s only so much anyone can put up with.
10. Change is good but don't change too much.
Everyone changes in some way during a relationship. Your partner can encourage you to be the best you possible but remember no matter what changes you make in life, don’t lose who you truly are. Don’t change so much to make someone happy that you can’t remember what makes you happy.
There are days when it really hits me that my long-distance relationship is over and for a few seconds, I get an empty feeling. I’ve never been a fan of the dating process because there are so many jerks out there. But with friends that are more like family, I feel more confident in getting back on the dating scene.
I hope my experiences help with whatever decision you’re facing or need to face. What is the best dating advice you’ve ever gotten? Share it in the comment section below.
I’m usually really private about my relationship but after some careful consideration I’ve decided to open up more about it, in hopes that someone reading this, who may be considering entering a long distance relationship or is currently struggling with one, can get something inspiring out of it. Long distance relationships (LDR) are never easy, yet Masai and I have been making it for almost 2 years (only 4 months shy). This is significant for me because before him, I’ve never be in a relationship for even a year, so to make it this far really says something: HE HAS GOT TO BE CRAZY FOR PUTTING UP WITH ME!
Within our first year of dating, we spent all of 27 days physically together. Could you imagine spending only 27 out of 365 days with your significant other? I’m sure by now you’re wondering how the hell we made it this far.
Somehow we still managed to spend major holidays together. For his 30th birthday, I organised a real life version of The Amazing Race, in which we ran all around my island trying to beat my friends. Of course we won!
I'll never forget our first Christmas spent together and the two times we spent Easter together. (I met his brother at Christmas and I got really ill our first Easter, which meant we had to cancel our fishing trip but the second Easter was much better as we got to go to church together and he finally saw me dance for himself).
Trust me when I say it has not been easy. There were days when I asked God if I listened correctly when I chose him because so many days felt like a mistake. Even recently, now that we’re physically together for three weeks this summer, we fought my first night in town in Walmart. I know what you’re thinking: How tacky is it to argue in Walmart? What did you even argue about: Are you getting enough savings; should we go with Aquafina or Dasani? Looking back on a lot of our fights, I can see how petty it was but the good thing is, we always learned something new about each other.
We’re not rushing this thing between us. We’ve both been in whirlwind romances before and had our hearts ripped out, shredded and force fed back to us while we watched that love rendezvous with someone else right in front of us. Not saying we’re jaded now, just smarter, and more cautious to do things right this go around. We’ve got a whole summer of (affordable) adventures planned out and can’t wait to enjoy this time together. This will be the most amount of time we’ve ever spent together consecutively. I can’t wait to update you on it next month.
Takeaways From This Month’s LDR Diaries:
· Don’t walk away from a fight unless you’ve learned the reason you had the fight in the first place and have a solution for preventing it in the future
o But be realistic: You will still fight, because you can’t change anyone but yourself. It just helps to have that mental note of how to avoid triggering the situation that ticks off your partner.
· Just because you can’t BE with your partner, doesn’t mean you can’t still DO things with your partner.
o Online chat programmes like Skype, WhatsApp and Rabbit are great ways to stay connected and share intimate moments of life. If life is too busy, WhatsApp is a great way to quickly shoot your partner a message, voice note, image video or even call FOR FREE! Skype is great for face to face chats and if you miss going to the movies together, Rabbit is a great website that lets you stream movies and other online videos in a private room just for the two of you.
o If you and your beau are competitive, Pogo is another great site to check out to play games together in real time, like Monopoly and Scrabble.
· Know your love style and be realistic about it
o So many times he has told me that I’m a hopeless romantic, expecting things from him that’s just not his style. So if you’re trying online dating like we did, always establish this up front and make adjustments however you can, to save yourself some disappointment in the future.